XD

Hellooo.

I'm feeling oddly optimistic and chipper at the moment. Confident for the first time in a little while.

Hmmm..now that I think about it, there was something that's made this day a little special. I watched a makeup tutorial on youtube this morning on how to get a 'natural look' and found that I had already been doing everything it talked about. I didn't feel out of the know, or overwhelmed by the crazy tools and names and brands the girl used. It was like a big sigh of relief. I was an insider for once in my life. I've only had a handful of these moments since starting school, but recently they've become more frequent, but I can't help but feel reverence each and everytime. I mean, it's really that important to me.

See, ever since 2nd or 3rd grade, I've been a tomboy. I didn't like trying to pretend I was girly or pretty. Really low self esteem, as you can imagine. But I tried to cover up how vulnerable I was by dressing "tough" I guess. Anyway, that didn't really help my issues. My so-called friends that I had were more interested in what entertainment I could give them than actually caring about me as a person, and for a long time I felt like I had no personality and was always lonely. I never invited my "friends" to my house. I think it was partly because I didn't know if they would really come.

I mean, looking back, I did have aquaintances back then that turned into real solid friendships later on in jr.high and high school, but I couldn't figure which ones were the good friends and which ones weren't. They eventually unmasked themselves anyway.

:) So I'm pretty much in the recovery stages from long ago, which is a big big relief. I still get a little bout of self conciousness and lonliness every once and again, but it's nothing too major. I'm a loner by nature, it's to be expected. And I've just gotten used to the fact that if I'm feeling those abominable feelings, I do have people I can call and just to hang out with. Ones where I don't have to pretend for and be afraid they won't like me for who I really am. It's a scrumtrelescent sort of feeling, am I right?