feh.

i've said this before: i'm giving up for a while.
do i?

..for a while.

and that is apparently not long enough for me. i need a long long while.
i'm the perfect candidate for a libido removal. i'd be perfect. duuuude i'd get so much done. i'd be the smartest person ever. well-read. well-studied...yeah. perfecto.

it's just...idk. there must be something wrong with me. AHHHHHHH THERES TOOMUCHNOISEINMY HOUSEATTHISMOMEEEEEENTTT

gah. but yeah. or maybe its just uta. full of nice-looking or just plain nice-guys who're all taken and untouchable or intolerable. it sucks.

i just don't want to settle. and i don't want to waste my time pining for someone who'd never be interested ina relationship anyway. or doesn't know my name even.

y'know i've realized that my soci teacher was right: your name, whether you like it or not, is an important stronghold to your identity. i've been going by Renae in my classes and haven't been correcting the teacher. that causes all the people i meet to call me Renae. I really feel so...almost empty, and squimish when they call me that..I don't know who that person is, really. I'm..Patty. And no matter how much I don't like it, it's me. It's a bit ironic now that I think of it, kind of just realized something. Just had a whole took-a-step-back-and-put-it-in-perspective kind of moment there. but its too personal for the interwebz. srysssssssss


anyway, yeah. i'm going to not care. i'll just fall in love for seconds at a time with random handsome strangers. have a whole relationship in my head. it won't last, but i'm putting off reading some stuff so i'm going to be as optimistic as i can to compensate.

in conclusion,
i need a haircut.

BLASDHF;DFJ!

I am SO embarrassed. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((



















p.s., the picture has nothing to do with the post, i just shopped it and think it's funny. AHHHHHHHHHHASDJF;LADF. :[

Rosebud..

sigh sigh sigh

this week has been good.
tough. oh yes. but good.
had two tests this week along with a long and somewhat tedious English paper. It's so formulaic. I mean I'm glad I've finally figured it out but, it makes it that much more uninteresting. I dont know.

today, instead of having a life, I stayed in. I don't usually get many impulses to go out and be seen, but I have lately. Ah well. I guess if I really wanted to, I'd have done so. Maybe could've gone to Borders and bumped into a certain sharky teacher who's really fascinated me. Idk. He's werid.

I wouldn't actually do that btw. I'm not a creepy personnn. except by 'not' i meant 'totally'. just replace them and ahh. yes. hahaaaaaa.

anyway
so instead i watched the movie citizen kane. very very good. for anyone who liked/loved The Great Gatsby, you'll love this movie. (i actually couldn't get into The Great Gatsby. i mean, i definitely appreciate it, but i've always really and actually disliked excessive materialism since i was little for some reason and some of the imagery created in Gatsby simply disgusted me. i felt like the book was basically preaching to the choir, tbh. all the empty, expensive things that served no purpose. it's that horrible hollow feeling. everything gatsby had was soulless, except, arguably, himself. just...it reminds me of the reaction by the main character to beethoven's symphony after the aversion therapy in A Clockwork Orange.)
check it out yall. orsen wells ftw. lolzerz.

uhhm..so now i'm just looking forward to sleeping in.
which, now that i think about it, won't be very long. i usually wake up around 9 now on weekends.


funny quote from le movie:

"you longfaced, overdressed...anarchist!"
"i am not overdressed."
"you are too! Mr. Burnstein, look at his necktie!"

so heyyyyyy

hello
today 's been very unproductive. i have a test-o-rama and a speech outline due monday and have not done a single thing for it.

watched the duchess today. kira knightly did a pretty grood jrob. but i hate watching films like taht. they always have the same plot lines: loveless marriage, passionately true love that can never be because of the influence of society. it also depresses me because i haven't felt that kind of unbridled passion for anyone and 'the duchess' isn't even 18 in that effin movie. EFF YOU, BIGWIG. SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. sheesh.

also. immitation. flattery? or annoyance?
initially the latter. then when you think of it, the former. then you think about it more and it becomes the latter again. like seriusly. where're all the freakin ladders anyway?

hah. yeah. but yeah. we all are stealers of traits and quirks we find in others that we like and want. is it very hypocritical to be annoyed when it becomes obvious someone is stealing ours? hmmm. maybe stealing is a rather harsh word. i guess that pretty much gave away what i think. but i don't know. maybe it depends on what it is? if it's an idea or trait that is "original" then of course...hmm..maybe i'm just being petty. anyway, chew on that one. :)

there's not much new..although i have been in a skirt-buying mood as of laaaaaaate. i used to hate skirts and dresses, but now i feel like i can wear them. plus they're dead comfortable.

arggg. strrrrrrress.
i've been recently feeling like everything i try, i'm mediocre at. not failing horribly but not exactly excelling. average. boring. expected. blanddd. i want to be the best at something. i want to find my niche.
admittedly, i've spruced by "options tree" if you will. i'm more inclined to right brain jobs. more creative and artsy fartsy.

i think my want to be naturally the best at something stems from laziness, actually. i don't want to have to work at something. and that's retarded. just plain retarded. i'm ashamed.

I CAN DO IT! SI SE PUEDE! YES I CAN! I'LL SHUT UP!
i'm sleepy and can seriously feel the effin cortisol rushing in my brain when i think about all the effing work i haven't even beGUN. EFF.

peace out.

p.s. i think i will start doing like "motif of the week" because, and i'm not the only one who feels like this, there seems to be a string of similar occurances, whether it be a name, a color, a word, an object, a person, that happen to crop up coincidentally around the same time but only lasts a short while.
this week has been imitation. hoorah. i'm cool. that is awl.

Sister girlfriend...

I invented that.

aaaaaakay. some things that annoy me:

whistling loudly and suckily.
finiding mustard or mayo in my sammich.
finding ingredients that are not supposed to be in my or in any sammich, in my sammich.
people not wearing gloves to make food.
people not washing their hands after using the restroom.
people.
heidi montag and her bf.
grownups acting like children.
people who complain about themselves but do nothing.
people making excuses.
people eating unhealthy food being surprised at high blood pressure and strokes.
that time i saw an obese mother and son walking to mc donalds.
mc donalds.
praise bands.
religious extremists.
people who dont know what they're talking about
or actually believe in.
stingy peeps.
greedy peeps.
pundits.
'deep' teens. like stfu.
mumbling.
rudeness.
people who stare.
people who talk slowly.
sorry to a lot of people in advance:
dogs. especially the small peppy ones. ugh.
chewing with mouth open.
people who ignore what you say and go on as if you hadn't spoken.
people who have to tear down those who may make them
not be the "prettiest" in the room. harrrrrrrr.
forgetfulness in myself and others.
math.
people who dont like or discredit reading.
mtv. good god. hate.
celebrities.
many things about myself.
this list.
good night

hey whatsup whatsup whatsup whatsup whatsup

this week i've been so off and not myself. tired and sleepy all the time, self-indulgent, slacking off.
actually maybe that's just the real me and it's finally caught up with me.

hahh well, yeah. i've been letting my id make all my decisions is what my soci teacher would say.
but i got a better grade on my 2nd speech test. hopefully i'll be able to drop my first one. no b's this semester please. i've never liked how they looked like on my papers since elementary and i don't like them now. seeing a b on something i did used to look physically ugly to me.
i'll probably start loving them pretty soon when i start some really challenging courses, but not now.

man i really like what we're doing in art! we're learning how beginner drawers usually draw and we're learning how professional artists draw. it's a challenge!
the only thing is that i haven't yet done so much as 2 of the 12 drawings i need to have finished in my sketchbook by next thursday. draaaaaaaaag.

i hate bibliographies.