Ice Capades

Last week, I, along with some friends, went ice skating again for the first time in probably four or five years. Now, I've never really been known for my extraordinary poise or coordination. In fact, there was this time I forgot about the last step on the bus in middle school, which took a while to live down. But I could always, eventually, hold my own going ice skating or roller blading once I got used to the lack of friction.

And so I did; after the initial five minutes of paralyzing fear and awkwardness, I found my footing, and was landing triple Salchows like nobody's business. I'm actually writing this to recount my observations on all the types of people you normally find on your standard, public ice skating rink in your average shopping mall, *hawk, spit*.

So, A.) Children. No surprises there. I might as well have said, 'people.' But I mean the type of children that are literally snot-nosed because of the cold. The type of children whose parents are using this ice rink to teach them the adage, 'if at first you don't succeed, blah-da-bleedle-do' to everyone's, namely MY, great freakin' annoyance. It's like Bobo Dolls on Ice out there.

Maybe if you were watching them from behind the glass, you'd be nostalgically reminded of Bambi's first time on the frozen pond. How shaky and knobbly his legs were, and how he fell so adorably and got right back up. You'd probably think it endearing how they fall on the already soaking knees of their pants, and continue going the wrong way around the rink.

But on the other side of the glass, which is basically a petri dish of every known germ and disease to have ever existed, these kids are wily, sniffling, goombas.

B.) Couples. Ugghhhhhhhh. There was this one couple who were pretty good, and would always end up skating directly in front of me. The guy had a pony tail, and I wanted to pull it pretty badly, too.

We stayed till it was time for it to close, and saw all the overly-touchy couples asking other people to take pictures of them and shit. A lot of them were overweight, too, for some reason. Oh right, I live in Texas.

C.) The GOOD one. The 9 year old ice skating prodigy who stands in the middle of the rink to do tricks and laugh at the mortals with her coach/father out there in a track suit. When she falls, they laugh like it's the most ironic thing to have ever happened. If this is what hard work turns you into, it'll be my next excuse to continue lying in bed and imagine things in the clouds that must be passing by overhead.

D.) Skatefags. The label says so much about these people. They act like faggots. They skate at about 5,000,000 mph. They only use the internet to go on 4chan and look at the new stuff at Spencer's Gifts. They've been skating to get rid of the "darkness" and stress of social interactions since elementary. They have 5+ pet snakes. Their name is Geoffrey, and they once got on top of a desk in 8th grade and threatened to burn down the school after being harassed by some dickweed.

There might've been more, but since I waited about a week before writing this, I can't remember the rest right now.

Hope errbody had a Happy Christmas and wonderful New Years.